Our perception of what it means to be a father will vary depending on our experiences.
But unless you are a father, you have no say in what it means to be a father because you aren’t one. Studies have shown that 75 percent of fathers say being a father is the most important job, also, the study mentioned that 61 percent of the fathers mentioned their are more involved with their children than their father was with them.
Personally, I don’t like to look at being a father as a job but more of a responsibility. Job has the connotation as something you have to do instead of something you must do.
More research continued to share how dads are more “hands on” today. According to the Pew Center Research:
the amount of time fathers spend on childcare and housework has increased significantly over the last half century, from 6.5 hours a week in 1965 to 17 hours 2011.
A TODAY survey found 73 percent of parents say “a real man knows how to express emotional support to his children.”
Dr. William Pollack an associate clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and senior clinical consultant on the mental health of men, adolescent males and boys at Cambridge Health Alliance, said:
“Fathers are capable of being nurturant, they want to be nurturant, and when they nurture, not only are boys and girls and partners better off… (men) become better people, less depressed people and more of a whole person.”
“Positive and caring fathering is important. It is equally as important as going out and earning a living.”
Growing up, my dad worked long hours as a lawyer providing for the family and I spent many days after school with my mom and grandparents. Dinners at the table with my parents and two older brothers were very simple talks and not much talk about emotions.
As we got into sports, my dad did his best to help coach, especially in baseball, and even took became a head coach for my team for a season. But at sports, he was coach.
My father is a quiet man who is always in deep thought, enjoys philosophy, playing his guitar, and doing work in the yard. Friends were always nervous around my dad because they felt like he was a cop making sure we were all behaving. It was more so he had a presence of power.
When my wife first met him, she thought he didn’t like her. “Daniel, I think your dad only said one thing to me at dinner,” she said.
“Oh ya? What did he say?”
“He asked, ‘Your grandfather was Lawrence Kam ya?’,” she told me, “I said, ‘Yes’, and then he ended with, ‘I knew him’, that’s it.”
“Well did he smile?” I asked.
“Ya.”
“Ah, he’s good with you.” My wife rolled her eyes unsatisfied by my assurance. But she didn’t know my father.
I did (she does now, and sees where I get a few things).
Being in a house full of boys where everyone would tell us, “Oh, your poor mother,” there wasn’t much talk of emotions, hugs, I love yous, or all the things that research says what a real man should be able to do.
- If we cried about something, we dealt with it.
- If we got into arguments as brothers, we hashed it out which led to something always being broken.
- If we were sad, we found ways to cope with it.
- If we didn’t say our pleases and thank yous, dad just gave us the look to get us back in line.
- If we didn’t offer to help, we heard, “Eh,” and we stood right up to help.
- If we were going down the wrong path, dad sat us down to talk.
I come across a question a lot, “Who do you consider successful?” and I don’t think of any celebrities, famous people, or historical figures.
I think of my father.
He may have not made a bunch of money or built an empire that changed the world. He continues to take on stress and hasn’t done everything he has wanted to do – like travel.
But he’s a happy man who has accepted and enjoys life for what it offers.
So unless you are a father, you have no say in what it means to be a real father. My father doesn’t say much about emotions but he shows it in his discipline, hard work, patience, persistence, thoughtfulness, and what it really means to be a man.
My father is a true symbol of strength.
And as I make my first step into fatherhood come this September, I can only hope to be just as strong as my father for my son.
Happy Father’s Day.
Be Kū Dads. Aloha.
